The teen years can be tough on families. There are so many demands on both parents and teens. Parents hoping to instill values, responsibility and independence often get caught in a firestorm of angst, disrespect and frustration.
Teens struggle too, caught between wanting to be independent yet still needing support and guidance, their fears and struggles are seen in their moodiness and unpredictable behaviors. One minute they are volunteering to drive their siblings to soccer practice, the next they are stomping to their room, slamming their door and shouting, “you just don’t understand!”
And they may be right. After all, brains aren’t fully developed until age 25. They really are trying to make it all work without the benefit of fully operating mechanics! Parent’s brains have been fully developed for years and it can be hard to remember our own teen experience. With this in mind, it may be helpful to remember these 3 things:
- Respond, don’t react: Teen behaviors can be shocking at times and leave us feeling angry and resentful. After all we do, how can they treat us with such disrespect? Fight the urge to say anything in the “heat of the moment”. Give yourself and your teen some space and talk after the intensity has decreased.
- Practice empathy: While we may think we are understanding and open, it is easy to forget what it’s like to be a teen. Sometimes, our teen’s response isn’t just about us asking them to mow the lawn. They are really responding to all the other things going on in their life, like they just had a fight with their best friend, they failed an important test, or their favorite band is in town and they have to work. As parents, we owe it to our teens to recognize their personal lives may be stressful. With empathy, we can connect and collaborate with them so they feel supported and are less likely to respond to our requests with anger and resistance.
- Be flexible: Very few things are urgent. Once you empathize with your teen’s concerns you can be flexible with your requests. This helps them see you as approachable. It doesn’t mean you are “letting them off the hook”, it simply means you are willing to listen to their needs and come up with a mutually agreeable solution.
While the teen years are challenging, it is important to remember we are responsible for ourselves and our own behaviors and actions. Being responsive, not reactive, empathic and flexible may reduce some of the inevitable tensions during the teen years.
Here’s to empowering change!
Ann